Call Me Crazy...

CRAZY like A. Fox that is!...

Yes- I've been called ALL the names- from colloquial to clinical- none have ever been correct- none fit- and none of it really matters at this point.  I've broken all the definitions and stereotypical molds of each term- and continue to move about this strange planet feeling different than most- hyper-sensitive, and overly conscious- "Abby-Normal" seems like a good fit.

CRAZY:
This one used to really offend me quite some time ago.  I've grown to embrace it over time- mostly because I've come to terms with the fact that I gotta be something other than normal in this world that is so very disturbing.  I equate this one with NUTS, and LOONEY- which I don't  mind either- preferring nuts over plain any day, and having done some time in a Looney Bin- I consider myself a card carrying member.

DEPRESSED:
This one is overused and used incorrectly by most to the point of becoming just another word for sad, down, low energy, or experiencing grief.  I have been diagnosed with clinical depression- and that I experience low-grade depression- but I'm sure most people don't have a true understanding of the term.  I know of two specific times where I was surely depressed- I could barely get out of bed- had no desire to do anything- even shower- and basically sat on the couch drooling on so many psycotropis meds.  I saw no reason to live and have no idea why I came out of it okay- time just passed and things got better.  Believe me- it had nothing whatsoever to do with medication or therapy.  Being in a bad or sad mood, or experiencing grief, or being perpetually hung over is not depression.

BI-POLAR:
This one has become SO overdiagnosed and overused by common folk- it has no true meaning anymore.  I remember when this was "The Cadillac" of all diagnosses back in the 90s- but in recent years it has been used to describe anyone who has mood swings.  I still get fairly offended when people throw this one around- maybe because this diagnosis is probably the closest correct diagnosis I had ever received.  After re-reading the PDR numerous times, and staying clean and out of any shrink facility for lotso time- I don't feel like it's appropriate any more for me- but for a time- it was.  I had numerous psychotic breaks folowing manic episodes, rapid cycling, racing thoughts, and was generally out of control.  Mind numbing, lobotomizing ant-psychotics were the only medical answer at the time and although they kept me "safe" temporarily, I have been changed permanently.

So...
Call me crazy if you feel it's appropriate- names don't bother me any more- I've embraced them all and am proud to be other than normal.

NOT toasting to 2013...

Whelp-
the clock just struck midnight...

It's a New Year: 2013!

I'm not holding a glass of champagne, a shot of tequila, or a juicy bong hit.

I'm home with the dogs, watching the "Portlandia" marathon, and writing this first blog of the new year.  I've never really been a "celebrator" of New Year's Eve- certainly not interested in "ringing it in" by getting high or drunk. Not for me even when I was using- because I was high anyway- so it didn't matter...

I am thrilled that we can say that the year 2012 is now behind us- because it was quite a difficult one for me.  I am still trying to make sense of what transpired, and I am both in disbelief that I have NOT turned to drugs as an escape, while I am proud of myself for NOT doing so.

My ongoing resolutions: to remain drug and alcohol free, maintain my mental health, and work on losing more weight and exercising to improve my overall wellness.

I wish everyone a safe, healthy, and drug-free 2013-
it's gonna go One Day At A Time for me...

my ongoing recovery process

It's now been more than 20 years since I've used drugs or alcohol. Whew!

I don't believe a day has gone by without being exposed in some way, or fantasizing about using again- but I haven't. I can't. It will lead to my incarceration or death by overdose for sure.  It could also trigger another psychological break which would lead to incarceration of a different kind- time in a mental institution.

You see- I am also recovering from mental illness- another product/outcome of my DNA and social- emotional-economic upbringing.  I've been diagnosed with everything from schizo-affective disorder, depression, suicidal, ADD, depression to bi-polar.  I don't believe I am any or all of these diagnoses- but I'm pretty far away from "normal" and I always have been.

I used drugs and alcohol for many years to self-medicate, feel connected to this world, and get by.  I rarely got high- I called it: "getting normal."  I wasn't referred to as "Abby-Normal" for nothing.  I believe I had- and still have a complicated mixture of issues including a predilection or predisposition to addiction, mental illness, self-destructive behaviors, and hyper-sensitivity.  Combine these issues with being very introspective and highly intelligent- the plot thickens...

I'm outspoken and open about my recovery, and I'd like to share my adventures here.  Please join me by asking questions, leaving comments, and being as honest as I will be.

One Day At A Time is the only way I can live my life right now- I am clean, serene, and dealing with my mental illness.